the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
