Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
