Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
