every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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