She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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