the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Quick, to the slutcave!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
