Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
