there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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