Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
