you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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