Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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