I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
