So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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