Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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