i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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