I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
