hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
