I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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