I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
