I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
