Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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