Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
