I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
