i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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