Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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