found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
