My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
