i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
