Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
