But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
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You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
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hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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