So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
