I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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