Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
should my penis look like a turkey
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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