So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
