I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
