i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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