There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
