You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
