get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
no more duck duck goose at the bar
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A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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