So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
