so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
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just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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