somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
