i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
