I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
