How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
