What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
