Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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