I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
