he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
