I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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