Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i love accidental penises.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
