I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
PANTIES FOUND
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