it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
