They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
