I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
