Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
