You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
