make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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